My Mental Health

I’ve been wanting to write something like this for a while. It came back to mind after a wonderful evening of watching creepy compilation videos. One of the videos included a representation of auditory hallucinations, which I’ll include further on. I was originally going to just put it on Facebook, but then I figured, hell, I could just put it on the ol’ blog. Go completely against what I said I’d write about in the…well, the About section.

I’ve always tried to be open about my mental health with people because I believe it’s something people should talk about more. Years ago, I was diagnosed, first with schizophrenia, which was later changed to a diagnosis of stress-induced psychosis. I suffered from anxiety, insomnia, auditory and visual hallucinations, and OCD tendencies. The OCD demonstrated itself most often with a sort of fear of fingernails. Yes, that’s dumb. I’m aware. But if something clicked their nails, or hurt their finger, my obsession would kick in, making me think of nothing but my fingernails being torn out, and the compulsion, biting each finger, would make it stop. The obsession was intense. It felt like an extremely uncomfortable tingling in my fingers, not quite painful, but impossible to ignore. Biting them would make the tingling stop.

The visual hallucinations I’d experience varied but tended to be shadows, faces, and movement. As you might understand, this could be distracting at best. Fairly distressing now and then. Weirdly enough, you do get used to it, in a fashion. It wasn’t fun or anything, never pleasant. But it happened enough that you just kind of made do. It’s not like you could make it stop.

The auditory hallucinations were basically a running commentary, shitting on everything and everyone. Nothing I did was good enough and everything around me was bad. This isn’t exactly what I experienced, but it’s close enough to be quite upsetting to me. I can’t listen to the whole thing. It’s too familiar.

I was lucky in that my issues have almost entirely gone away. I’m as cured as I can get, as it is still something that can affect me if I get too stressed. I got out of it with medication and counseling. I’ve learned some ways to deal with stress better. When I was able to get a full-time job, I was concerned that I couldn’t do it, that I’d get too stressed and regress to what I was like. But I’ve been doing well, and while I have moments of regression, it never stays, and it never gets as bad as it was. I still don’t sleep very well, but I sleep, which is better than what it was like.

If you have any sort of issues, and you need help, go out and get it. Seriously, it helps so much. It takes work, but it’s worth it. Medication isn’t a magic spell and not every doctor is as good as the other (not everyone is an A student), but if you want it, and you have to want it, it’s very much worth the effort.




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