Eric: I’m watching Netflix’s gritty reboot of Archie. It is weird
Me: Lol jesus…
Eric: They’ve killed someone already.
Me: I heard that’s the main crux of the show
Eric: Archie might be banging a teacher.
Eric: Definitely happening.
Me: Miss Grundy?
Me: Sexy Grundy or Ancient Grundy?
Eric: Sexy grundy
Me: “Grundy, for exam, here is dick. A+?”
Eric: “Please see my AAAAAAAAABBBBBBSSSSS.”
Me: Riverdale, produced by Netflix and Brazzers
Me: Riverdick lol
Me: Is it worth my time, from what you’ve seen?
Eric: Betty’s mom just got a sack full of cash
Eric: It was from Betty’s dad, who might be going to prison.
Me: WHAT IS THIS SHOW
Eric: Jury’s out so far on the show lol
Me: I get it. If it was a straight adaptation, it’d be boring as fuck
Me: But jesus.
Eric: They’re punching up everything lol
Me: “Archie, popular kid for inexplicable reasons. Kind of a loser.” “No, won’t work. How are his abs?” “What?” “He needs rock hard abs. If he’s gonna fuck the entire school faculty, but be ginger, he’s got to have dem abs.” “…he’s gonna fuck the staff.” “Yep. Every member. Janitor on up. Men, women, everyone. It’s 2017.”
Eric: “… Fuck it. Alright. We’ll roll with it.”
Me: “There’s gotta be an episode where he’s too sad to fuck. It’ll be the downer episode.” “That’s not…that’s not really a sad story.” “You haven’t seen how we’ll make this kid fuck. Also, wouldn’t you be sad after all the murders?” “…yes.”
Eric: Shit, Jughead and Archie are ex-best friends with some history. We’re walking into straight grimdark now.
Me: Think one’s gonna murderfuck the other?
Eric: Jughead is a gloomy blogger/writer
Eric: Maybe? Who’s to say for sure?
Me: Does he blog about cheeseburgers and malts?
Eric: Blogs about murder, and this sordid town of Riverdale
Me: The wretched hive of scum and villainy
–One Hour Later–
Me: I almost started watching Riverdale
Me: But instead I’m watching a documentary on rats
Eric: Not the most comparable shows